then down in falls comes the rain
05 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
in Blog
So. I used to have quite a few posts here. I deleted them all. There are reasons for which I did this that I could very well explain, but…honestly, I see no point in it.
So this is the new inaugural post.
What should I write here? I don’t even know how to begin.
I guess I should begin by saying that I’m very candid. I don’t really filter much of what I say, I’m more or less a straight shooter. I’ve noticed that this gets me into trouble. I have come to accept it as part of who I am, though, and so I am what I am. What I say may not even make much sense because I kind of just type the words my brain churns out. I don’t edit them, I don’t sit here and hem and haw and try to find a clever way of saying things, or a polite way. So if you read this, good luck following my train of thought.
I’m in a lot of pain. Physical pain, mostly, but some emotional pain too. I’ve also come to realize that I’m a naive idiot, as well, which serves to worsen the emotional pain because I do and say stupid things, and ruin good things.
My dad is sick. I don’t know how to deal with it. On one hand I can’t stand the man. He’s beyond arrogant, abusive, a drunk, an overall asshole and generally unlikable person. On the other hand, I can’t help loving the loathsome son-of-a-bitch. My family keeps begging me to go visit him, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I went to the hospital today and left before seeing him. I’m going to try to visit him tomorrow. I hope I don’t chicken out again. I just have a hard time dealing with the fact that regardless if I see him or not, our issues won’t be resolved. Sure, I can’t possibly know that for certain if I don’t go see him but I’m not just optimistic about that. The last time he was in the hospital and I went to see him, which I though as many others did that it was the last time we ever would see him, he berated me for my life choices. He tore into me because I opted not to accept a scholarship. I opted to quit a band that went on to get signed, and make a shittonne of money. “You could have gone on to do great things!” he said. “You’re brilliant!” he said. Is it stupid of me to just not want that kind of life? I want to live peacefully and quietly. I don’t want to be famous. I don’t even really care for doing great things. We either submit to social convention and go on and do the great things expected of us, or we die in obscurity. I’ll gladly take the latter option.
The other day, my ex-girlfriend contacted me, and I’m not sure how to react to that. I can look back on what we had, and it was fairly good. I enjoyed it. She absolutely destroyed me when she left me for a guy, got pregnant and started bragging about how much happier she was. My only thought at the time was… “If you were so fucking unhappy with me, why did you stay as long as you did?” I don’t think I’ll ever understand people. Still, seeing her name again leaves me feeling pretty shattered.
My brother has been an asshole to me lately, and I can’t figure out why. Everything I do or don’t do seems to piss him off to insane levels, and I have to listen to it for hours.
A friend of mine had a birthday recently. I wished them a happy birthday a day late, because I had a migraine. Anyone who has had a migraine will know full well that they make shit fucking impossible. I had never missed his birthday, and I tried to explain myself and he went off on me and punched me in the face. To this day, and I’ve known him for almost 16 years, he doesn’t even know when my birthday is. Where’s the fucking justice in that?
I’m pissed off :/
